BukkyApampa

talking about life, relationships and thoughts

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Boys vs Girls

Hello blogville,

I can’t even begin to apologise for my absence, I should just accept the consequences abi, but still for anyone still out there, I’m sowwiii.  You know when people say they hit the ground running, that phrase never made any sense to me until this year!!! That’s what it feels like, I hit the ground running and still running literarily.

village1

In between going back to work and moving homes, actually moving to a village, yes, we are officially villagers! you know growing up and reading those Enid Blyton’s book that sometimes talk about knowing everyone who lives in your village, I never really did understand that, I always thought, how can you know everyone in your village? now I know, when I’m dropping off my son at school, I see my neighbours cars in the car park, I mean all the kids in the village, well most of them go to the same school, there is 1, yes 1 school in the village, so people, that’s how you know almost everybody in your village, we meet at school runs, the post office, the village shop, when we go and see the village doctor… no, not the Nollywood type, he really is a qualified physician, I think :-).  Anyhow, I am enjoying the village life, you can go all day and not see a fly go past your window and you have all the greenery you can ever wish for plus we’re not that far from the city centre, so if we’re getting a little bored, we just head off to the city centre. kapish.

Honestly this post is not about my village life, that was only part of my excuse, actually grovelling on why I’ve been away so long.

To make up for that, instead of dusting some old post in my draft, I’m actually coming up with a brand new one, straight from the well of Bukky’s mind….. heeeheheheheehe

You know I’ve never been one to make much comparison between male and female because in my past life, I was an avid feminist :-) I know shock horror…. however, like it or not, boys and girls are different, without paying much attention really, I can’t help but notice many differences bewtween my son and daughter, I’ll give just one of many examples.

imagesCA3WM3EE  pop up

We have this laundry basket that looks like those tunnels that children play with at parks (see picture above).  Now obviously since the one I have is a laundry basket, it has no exit.  The first time my son, I think he was like 2 at the time put his head through, he soon realised it’s not the tube as he struggled to come out of it, wanting to see what he will do, I didn’t help him (I know, call CPS!) :-). anyway, after struggling for about a minute, he got himself out, now you would think the boy will not go near the thing again, but no, it soon became a game, puts his head in, walk around the room laughing hysterically while throwing his hands about looking for me, then getting his head out, rolling on the floor laughing really hard… honestly I couldn’t help but be amused! That went on till he got tired of it.

Fastforward, my daughter made the same mistake, thought the laundry basket had an exit, soon realised it doesn’t but head already in, screamed, shouted, grunted and all sort, now to make sure the experiment is fair, I wasn’t going to help out :-) actually that’s not true, after hearing how upset she, I started walking over to get her out but to be fair to her, she got her head out pretty fast, like 10 seconds…. I have never seen a baby look at something with so much hate before….. I couldn’t help but laugh while she looks at me wondering what is so funny, what is more amusing, since then, she makes sure to avoid the basket like a plague, if the basket is by somewhere she has to walk, if you see the kinda detour she’d attempt, even you’d laugh…. Heehehehehe..

Now I’m not really sure what I’m making of these thing but they amuse so I had to share…

Just a quick one here….. I missed you much… and that’s true true :-)

Bukky Apampa is a wife, a mother, a daughter and a sister :-) She loves God and loves to write, I am particularly passionate about relationships and I can be quite opinionated but always interested in other people’s views, I actually enjoy reading and listening to other’s views as it often challenges me that sometimes in this world, life is not always black and white, there are many shades of grey.

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Teach our daughters to be mean!!!!

Happy New Year!!!!
I know I know, I’m early right??? :-) As I said on twitter, I’ve been told so long it’s in January, I’m still allowed to say it or even if it’s in the middle of year so long I’m saying it for the first time to someone, I’m cool… Anyway I had to make up something :-)

How are you all doing? it’s been a while eh but I’ve not forgotten this blog o only I couldn’t remember my password as I was about to sign in…. Heehehehehehe.. I just crack myself up.. don’t I.

mean little girl

Ha so back to my topic above, I was watching a movie the other, by now you know a lot of my inspiration to write comes from personal experiences, what I see, hear e.t.c… so I was watching this film, let me try and summarize….

There’s this girl who seems to come from a good home, hardworking parents, gave her everything she needed, good education e.t.c… Unfortunately, this babe went to hitch her wagon with some “no good brethren”, the film had a lot of twists and turn but these are the bits that got to me the most…

In one scene, the boy took drugs to sell, having sold the drugs, he spent the money, when the drug lords came after him, he asked the girl to lend him the money, she told him, she doesn’t have that kinda money, now get this, he says to her, “can’t you borrow it from your parents? they don’t have to know, they have plenty”… now in my book, that is stealing abi? anyway as I hoped, the girl flipped, got very angry with him that he would ask her to steal from her parents, I was secretly jubilating and saying good girl!… but before I could say “who shot John”, the boy persuaded the girl, told her the drug lord would kill him if he doesn’t pay back the money, you guessed it, the babe didn’t want boyfie killed, so off she goes to “borrow the money” from her parents without their knowledge, and we’re talking thousands of dollars….

As If the whole things concerns me, I was fuming, and thinking now if this girl was my daughter, this is what I’d hope she told the guy “if you knew that not returning the money would mean you’d be killed, you would not have spent it on yourself, now I suggest you do 2 things, go return the items you spent the money on, or I can lend you 50 dollars to get a bus to the land of “nowhere drug lord can find you”….. Does that sound mean? if it does, then I want a mean daughter…

fight-like-a-girl

There were other things that this boy persuaded the girl to do but in the last scene, despite the girl getting the no do good-er money for the drug lord, he still got into trouble, now in the scene, the drug lord was after him, so he rings his girlfriend for help, as the theme continues, after getting angry and saying she can’t help him, with some persuasion, she succumbs, what he’s suggesting this time is that she takes her father’s car and meet him somewhere so he can take the car and run away… unfortunately for her, when she got to the place of exchange, the drug lords were already there, so she couldn’t make an exchange, boyfie had to get in the car with her and they are now both getting chased by the drug lords..

The bit that got to me most, for a moment, they lost the drug lords, and the girl did the smart thing, got out of the car and started running away, what did boyfie do? started accusing her of leaving him in his time of need, so like a sheep to the slaughter, the girl came back, for the life me, I found myself shouting at the screen, please don’t go back…. Sadly, the drug lords caught up with them and shot her dead while boyfie made a getaway…

I know it’s just a film but having worked with young people, I’m seeing more and more weak minded girls who can be easily persuaded to go against everything their parents have taught them, ok I understand what it is to think you’re in love at a young age but what would make a girl from a good home get entangled with such a disturbed young man and get completely dragged down by him….

What do we need to instill in our daughters to protect them from such scenarios, yes we pray for them hard but I also think maybe we need to stop teaching girls that they have to be sweet, kind, nice e.t.c.. one of the things boyfie says to the girl is “you’re not nice to me anymore”.  I was hoping the girl would say something like “I’m not supposed to be nice when you’re trying to get me in to trouble” but this line always seems to work on the girl, I assume, this is because she’s been brought to “be nice”.  So what should parents do? Teach their daughters not to be nice? to be meaner and actually be proud of being mean when someone is trying to get them in trouble?  At first  I thought it’s just about teaching right and wrong, but the girl knew what was wrong, only she could not hold her nerve against persuasion.  I really don’t have the answer but this movie got me thinking hard and praying hard too….

 

What do you reckon?

 

 

 

Bukky Apampa is a wife, a mother, a daughter and a sister :-) She loves God and loves to write, I am particularly passionate about relationships and I can be quite opinionated but always interested in other people’s views, I actually enjoy reading and listening to other’s views as it often challenges me that sometimes in this world, life is not always black and white, there are many shades of grey.

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Fixing an emotional problem with a physical one

Hello blogville,

how are you doing? These days I have to get up really early to get some me time, I do love that time of the morning when the whole household is still asleep and it feels like I’m alone in the house, heehehehehe, I do look forward to my babies waking up though, their bright faces make my day.

 

Anyway a little random post, I remembered reading an article about emotional intelligence many many years ago, unfortunately for me, I did not save that article and now some days, I wish I could go back and read it as I don’t remember most of the crucial point I read and can’t find it online anymore, it was one of the best articles I ever read. One point that really stuck with me though is this “when you try to fix an emotional problem with a physical one, you are in trouble”  I’ll explain.

For example, if you have a headache, without getting too scientific and keeping it simple, the symptom you feel is a throbbing head which is impairing you physically at that moment, so you use an analgesic such as paracetamol, panadol e.t.c to alleviate the symptom, basically you do something physical to get rid of a physical problem.

On the other hand, if you have an emotional problem such as say depression, you have 2 options, fix it emotionally by finding the root cause of the depression, you can do this by yourself by self analysis or if it’s too much for you to do that, you can find a therapist to help you, the same goes for problems like anxiety, phobias, OCD to name a few.  Apparently according to the article, nearly all emotional problems have a root cause either from childhood, through trauma e.t.c.

The other option is to try to fix emotional problems with a physical solution, these solutions at best are temporary, because of the temporary nature of the solutions, people find themselves going back for more and this is when addiction kicks in and a physical solution to an emotional problem becomes a “problem”, do you see where I’m going with this.  So it seems that one cannot treat depression, anxiety, phobias with drugs, alcohol, sex e.t.c legally or illegally.  These physical solution are at best temporary, they are like putting a bandage on a major wound without any internal treatment, it may cover up the wound from the outside world while it festers on the inside.  I don’t really want to complicate this post with scientific jargon as I’ve been known to do :-) it’s the scientist in me.

I know this is not my usual talk only I watched any episode of “undercover boss” today and there was a girl in the programme talking about how she got into drugs at the age of 16 because a lot of bad things happened in her childhood, fortunately for her, she got out of it after 6 years, she talked about how hard it was to get out of it and how she only managed to to do it by going to rehab over and over again, she was in her 20s but looked almost 40, I wonder what kinda drug she was doing.  I couldn’t help but wonder whether if she had gone to a good therapist before hitting drugs could have saved her a lot of trouble.

Coming back to the spirit of this blog, the same goes for relationships, when a relationship for example marriage is going through emotional problems, physical solutions such as affairs, having a baby e.t.c are temporary solutions and until the root of the cause is discovered and dealt with, the problem will only continue to fester.

Hopefully you didn’t find this post too unusual :-)

Bukky Apampa is a wife, a mother, a daughter and a sister :-) She loves God and loves to write, I am particularly passionate about relationships and I can be quite opinionated but always interested in other people’s views, I actually enjoy reading and listening to other’s views as it often challenges me that sometimes in this world, life is not always black and white, there are many shades of grey.

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First Impression does count

Hello blogville,

HEAT-WAVE-072605

How are you doing? for those in the UK, hope you’re enjoying the heat wave, no complaining please, we complained about the summer arriving late and now it’s here with a vengeance! poor sun, it’s damn if it does, damn if it doesn’t :-)

Anyway to my tori of the day, have you ever heard the statement “first impression counts”, I’ve heard it all my life but it’s never made as much sense to me as it did this day.  So bear with me, I’ll try and give you the gist as it happened.  There’s someone I’ve heard a lot about who would have been quite nice to meet, not that I’m particularly looking to meet them, you know, my stalking days are over but from having heard about them from a mutual friend for sometime, it seems we have a lot in common and would have plenty to talk about.

wedding guests

So hubby and I arrived at this party, we found a table and perched our lovely blessed assurance down, said hello to the other guests at the table, made the normal pleasantries, polite conversations like whispering things such as “has the bride arrived”? e.t.c, anyway so enters this couple, they were looking around as if they were looking for somewhere to seat, so there I go trying to catch eye contact with a big wide smile so I can let them know that there are a couple of empty seats at our table, I was looked at and then blanked in the same second, quietly embarrassed, I told myself that maybe they were looking for people they know, you know as you do sometimes or maybe I’m just trying to console myself.

it seems they couldn’t find whoever they were looking for or just realised that our table really did have empty seats, so on they came and sat down, since I’d already convinced myself that I was not blanked on purpose, I went back to shinning my not so Colgate teeth again just to welcome them into the newly formed party group, again, the stares that looked back at me were just as blank, you know the  “do I know you?” kinda, at this point, I well and truly parked my pearls in the garage.  Then I went through the different possibilities in my head, maybe the couple are not on good terms? I hadn’t finish this trail of thought when I saw them both laughing about something, anyway, I just sat gloom and nursed my bruised ego, I turned to the other couples at the table and continued our chit chat before the interruptions, I realised then that they had noticed what happened and wisely didn’t even look the couple’s way.

party seating

Now fast forward, one of the party host comes over to the table and introduced everyone to each other and you can’t imagine my disappointment when I realised who this person is, what I’ve heard about them and what I’ve just experienced do not match at all.  Once the person also realised who I was, then the niceties started, by then I have to tell you, I didn’t care anymore and even though the person did try to get my attention throughout the rest of the party, I just politely shut it down, I know I could have been forgiving and get over it but my ego was busy doing pity party with itself……. :-) Looking back now, I should have just let it go, but it pained me sha :-)

So the moral of my tori really is “first impression really does count”, it costs nothing to be polite to people even if you do not know them, you never know what they might mean to you.

phew, off to get some iced drink now, what has been your experience of first impression either where you didn’t present quite well or someone didn’t present to you?

Bukky Apampa is a wife, a mother, a daughter and a sister :-) She loves God and loves to write, I am particularly passionate about relationships and I can be quite opinionated but always interested in other people’s views, I actually enjoy reading and listening to other’s views as it often challenges me that sometimes in this world, life is not always black and white, there are many shades of grey.

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Ignorance is a disease

Hello blogville,

 

How are you today? I’m doing alright, trying to stay cool in this obodo oyibo heat, is it me or has anyone noticed that during the summer, the trees stand still which means no breeze at all, I seem to remember back in Naija that no matter how hot it is, there’s always a nice cool breeze especially if you stand in the shade, anyway just wondering :-)

michael-jackson-nose-job-before-after

So on to a serious matter o, a friend’s 7 year old came home and  asked her mum if she could have the surgery that Michael Jackson had that turned his skin white, when she probed her daughter a little to find out where this is coming from, it turns out a kid at her new school has been telling other kids that if they play with her, their white skin will turn brown like hers. it’s really sad that some people are still living in such ignorance and even sadder that they are passing these lies on to impressionable children.

Michelle and Mandela

 

Desmond and Mandela

rosa parks2

obama-family-people

Cut a long story short, frustrated, my friend said she is going to pull her daughter out of the school.  I told her I wouldn’t do that, to start with, I will contact the school to inform them and find out their stance on such issues.  I will sit my daughter down and tell her all the great things about her brown skin, I will tell her that God did not make a mistake when he made her brown that she is very lucky to be part of a great race, a race full of culture and history, I will tell her that the kids at school will be very lucky if they had the chance to be part of her race or have an understanding of what a great race it is, I will tell her about the great people her race has produced, e.g Martin Luther King Jr, Nelson Mandela, Barack Obama, Desmond Tutu, Rosa Parks, Oprah Winfrey, Kofi Annan, Michelle Obama, Bob Marley, Condolezza Rice, Susan Rice, the many successful athletes, actors, authors, artists,  I could go on, I will tell her how this resilient race has come through great difficulties, lies, slavery , imprisonment, ignorance to name a few, they’ve had to come through many negativity to remain relevant and still be world changers, I will tell her the kid spewing this rubbish is only doing so because he/she feels inferior to her and is threatened by her strength, beauty, intelligence, independence and the fact that she comes from a race that is full of life.  Since I’m talking to a 7 year old, I’d try to keep it simple but I will continually tell her these things and more.

it’s a short one today, I just had to get it out, what would you tell this little girl? I’d love to hear from you.

Bukky Apampa is a wife, a mother, a daughter and a sister :-) She loves God and loves to write, I am particularly passionate about relationships and I can be quite opinionated but always interested in other people’s views, I actually enjoy reading and listening to other’s views as it often challenges me that sometimes in this world, life is not always black and white, there are many shades of grey.

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For Christians maybe?

For Christians maybe?

Hello blogville, how are you all, I really have missed the days I can trawl through the net reading blogs, time has now become gold dust but I’m thankful for every moment sha…..

I’ve been gone so long and then I come with more questions than answers :-)*puts on my cheeky grin*.

couple-in-love[1]

I remember been involved in a conversation that I’m not really sure where I stand on it but the question is if you are a Christian, will you date a non-Christian? Ok I’ll tell you about the conversation.

For sake of clarity, I will give made up names, in a group of ladies, we happened to find out that Jessie has been dating a non- Christian guy for about 4 weeks, as soon as Leanne heard this, it was like a vein popped in her head, she jumped up and stood in front of Jessie, like a head teacher telling a student off, she told Jessie that had she forgotten about the scripture that says “can two walk together except they be agreed”, Leanne gave Jessie a whole sermon about why dating a non-Christian is wrong, I sat quietly listening to Leanne for two reasons, one, I wanted Jessie to tell us more about this man she’s been dating, secondly because I truly didn’t have a convincing opinion on the matter, this is really based on a couple of experiences I’ve witnessed closely.  Anyway when Leanne finally drew breathe, Jessie quickly jumped in and explained that she’s been in the church all her life and no Christian brother have ever really asked her out, they all claim to be her brother in Christ, and I think I have to say here that Jessie is a very beautiful girl, she continued that she’s not really dating outside of the church because she’s desperate or anything, it really was just to try something new, she then stressed that she has not said that she’s in a relationship with the guy, she is just dating as in he picks her up from her house, they go out for dinner and he drops her back at home, at this stage it’s really no more than 2 friends enjoying each other’s company.  I turned to look at Leanne and I can see another vein about to pop, I have to say secretly I enjoyed watching Leanne ( if you’re reading this, don’t kill me next time we see.. heehehehehe).

Telling you all that was discussed that day on this blog will take pages so I’ll just explain why I didn’t really have an opinion at this time or even now.  Personally when I was dating, I was strictly taught that this type of dating is called missionary or evangelical dating and I have no business getting involved in that but did I break the rules? That’s for another day :-)

However these are my experiences, I have a very good friend who is a strong solid Christian, I knew this because we have been friends since kindergarten and when she became a Christian, she ran with it, in fact she was one of those people that if you were not friends with her, you’d want to get away from her because all she ever talked about was Jesus!  So imagine my surprise when she started dating this guy who is far from being a Christian, I remembered they dated for some weeks, then she invited him to church, to cut a long story short, today they’ve been happily married for some years and brother is now a minister and a solid Christian.

couple[1]

My second one was another friend who again is a Christian and dated a non-Christian, ended up marrying him and hmmmm, I want to be careful how I say this but I think if she had to do it again, she might do it differently.

I suppose the difference between my 2 friends is that one made sure that the non- Christian she dated became a Christian before she took it any further, the other I think probably wanted the man to become a Christian before she took it further but one thing led to another and marriage ensued, so I guess this is the slippery slope, it just may not work for everyone and you have to know yourself before you get into any relationship, to be honest, I’ve not figured it out myself and not sure I ever will, one thing I’m learning as I’m getting younger :-) or shall I say as I’m accumulating life experiences is that things may not be as black and white as I used to think in my younger days, there are many shades of grey in this life’s journey.  What do you say? If you are a Christian, would you date  non-Christian or shall I really just say would you date someone of a different religion to yours and to keep things simple, I’m using the word “DATE” exclusively so not saying marry or in a relationship, I mean “DATE”.  I look forward to reading your thoughts.

Bukky Apampa is a wife, a mother, a daughter and a sister :-) She loves God and loves to write, I am particularly passionate about relationships and I can be quite opinionated but always interested in other people’s views, I actually enjoy reading and listening to other’s views as it often challenges me that sometimes in this world, life is not always black and white, there are many shades of grey.

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Did you ever wish

 

Hello blogville,

 

First I logged on, then I heaved a long sigh, lots of cobwebs to remove here, I’ve missed you all.  Sometimes I feel my children are conspiring against me, just when I get one down for a sleep, the other one wakes up.  okay quit blaming the kids and just apologise for the long absence.  me sowiiii ( in the voice of  2 year old :-)

boy-yelling

Trust you’re all doing well.  It’s all about apologies today, I decided to do this post as I was driving home from a playgroup where my dear son decided to show me up on every level he can, first by not listening to a word I said including all the threats in our language which have always been effective, today nothing worked, he then proceeded to run around with his trousers down, well he’s not a saint but he was unusually difficult that day.  Some of the other mums whom I noticed have girls proceeded to advice on what I needed to do to bring him under control as if the boy has always been this way but I also noticed that parents with boys just smiled sweetly and gave me understanding sympathetic looks which made me not feel as bad.

Anyway as I drove home, I remembered the times when I was single and with no care in the world…. I wished I could go back and apologise to those mothers that I’ve given awkward looks when their kids are playing up, I wish I could go back and apologise to mothers that myself and friends have analysed their parenting skills in a one hour restaurant sitting irritated by the toddler yelling next to our table, I wish I could go back and apologise to those parents whose toddlers were running up and down the aisle on the plane for making silly comments such as “why can’t some people control their kids”.  I wish I could apologise to friends that I’ve given parenting advice to when I had no clue what parenting is, I could go on…..

Okay so I guess I can use this blog to send my apology forth, sorry folks, I knew not what I speaketh :-)

By the way I realised my darling boy was playing up because he was tired, he was fast asleep, 2 minutes into our drive home, I so wanted to go back and tell those women he was just tired, we’d had a busy weekend but even I didn’t realise it then!

This is just a short one to say I’m still around.  Stay blessed all.  Do talk to me, I love to hear from you, what do you wish you could go back and apologise for.

Bukky Apampa is a wife, a mother, a daughter and a sister :-) She loves God and loves to write, I am particularly passionate about relationships and I can be quite opinionated but always interested in other people’s views, I actually enjoy reading and listening to other’s views as it often challenges me that sometimes in this world, life is not always black and white, there are many shades of grey.

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Hold each other accountable

Hello blogville

*Big sigh*, how long has it been? too long if you ask me, while I’ve been taking a sneak at all your blogs when my madam allows, I’ve not had a chance to update mine, thank God for children, it’s still amazes me how something so little can take over one’s life, I’m loving it all but I’ve missed blogville, trust you’re all good. Please enjoy my latest and let me know your thoughts, I love reading them.

I couldn’t sleep tonight and while channel surfing, I stumbled on a film about a guy called Johnny Cash, I’ve never heard of the guy before but it turns out that he was a rock and roll star in the 50s, he was in the Beatles league in his time and some of his records even sold more than the Beatles. Anyway what I really want to touch on was Johnny’s relationships, as a rock and roll artist, he had his problems with drinking, drugs and girls, his wife however was portrayed as one of those women who turned a blind eye to his vices, when some came close to home for her, she threw tantrums, smashed things up around the house and finally took their children and left him.

There is a girl in Johnny’s band called June Carter, throughout the film, they showed that Johnny had fallen in love with the girl but the girl was having none of it, she constantly reminded him that he’s a married man, the more the girl refuses Johnny, the more he went after her.  The other thing June did was that she never let up on Johnny, whenever Johnny got high on drugs, she would give him marching orders even letting him know she will not talk to him, this made Johnny want to kick his bad habit, when he tries, June will be there to support him as a friend, when he goes back to taking drugs, June will immediately cut him out.

Why am I telling this story, something touched me in the different ways that June and Johnny’s wife treated him, while Johnny’s wife spent her time throwing tantrums and crying all over the place or sometimes even pretending that she’s not aware of Johnny’s bad habit, June called him on it, she made it clear that she’ll have nothing to do with him until he sorts himself out, so it was no surprise that Johnny fell madly in love with this strong woman rather than the weak tantrum throwing wife.

In many marriages, many spouses are like Johnny’s wife especially women, some husbands decides to start acting up and instead of the wife taking a strong stance and asking them to fix up, she’ll rather start crying all over the place and throwing tantrums or starts calling up her friends and family telling them how upset or hurt she is.  I think in relationships, men and women are responsible for one another and if one spouse wants to start acting up, it’s the other spouse’s responsibility to point it out to them and let them know you will not tolerate it, as humans, we are primarily selfish, most times we want to eat our cake and have it, what keeps some people on the straight and narrow is that their craziness will not be accepted by their loved ones or sometimes the law.

Growing up, there were many times I just didn’t want to live according to my parents rules and wanted to do my own thing but the thought of the consequences of my actions tends to keep me controlled, I’m sure this is the case for many, so why is it that in relationships, spouses bad behavior no longer carry any consequences.

I remember years ago, I went to visit an aunt, I met her in a bad state as she had been crying, I learn that her husband whom we know to love partying now does so every weekend, he leaves the house every Friday and comes back on Sunday, this is a man who works from Monday to Friday and had 3 young children, that particular Sunday one of their children was unwell and when my aunt called his phone a woman picked it up, she said she asked the woman if she was aware that the man she’s with is married, the woman told her (my aunt) that is her problem not hers.  To say I was irritated with my aunt is an understatement, I couldn’t comprehend this woman that has now become an emotional wreck because of a badly behaving husband, I was not even angry at her husband as she told me this is something he’d always done, at the time I think they had been married for like 4 years or so.  My aunt is one of those sharp mouthed woman o, I’ve seen  her in situations with other people where she will take no nonsense, why a man is now treating her like this I didn’t understand.  I consoled her best I can and left.

To cut a long story short, some months down the line, I don’t know if someone spoke to my aunt or something, what I know is my mother got a phone call from aunt’s husband one evening asking her to beg my aunt on his behalf as he’s standing outside his house with his belongings and my aunt has changed all the locks to the house, the story was that he started off with threats of breaking down the door to saying he’ll leave and never come back again, she told him that’s fine by her since he’s not been a husband anyway and his absence will hardly be missed, so it was surprising that now he’s calling relatives to beg.  Long and short of it, the partying stopped and 16 years down the line, they’re still going strong.

This true life example further garnishes my point that couples should not put up with bad behaviors, Johnny Cash’s wife put up with his bad behavior for so long and then one day her “give a damn” broke, she packed her children and left, I wondered if she had held him accountable like June Carter did, their story would have been different.  I’ve seen a few real life experiences like this where a woman will continue to put up until they give up one day and don’t care anymore, at this point, there really is no redeeming that marriage cos you find such women are so bitter and resentful that all doors for reconciliation is now shut.

I wish many more men and women including myself will be like June Carter and call their spouses out on every bad behavior.

My examples have been about women putting up with their mens bad behavior so let me balance it out by saying there are many women also with bad behaviors that men put up with, I once had to listen to a young woman lament on how her husband will not let her go clubbing with her single friends anymore now that they are married, on one occasion, she told her husband she’s going out clubbing whether he likes it or not, he told her, that is fine, just make sure you take anything essential with you, I will ship the rest of your stuff to your parents!  She spent the night crying and throwing tantrums, if I knew the husband, I’d give him a high five.  The whole thing could have turned out to be a fight and turned nasty, instead he simply called her out on a behavior that he deemed unacceptable.  In my early years of marriage, there were some demands I made of my hubby who gently told me no, I sulked and sulked but he did not budge, when I think back to those demands, I ask myself what on earth was I thinking :-)  Hubby could have accepted my unreasonable demands, then get bitter and resentful, instead he called me on it, I went through the motions and I’m a better woman for it.

I truly believe if more of us hold each other accountable of many bad habits such as selfishness, reckless spending, disrespect e.t.c rather than putting up with it and than going the resentment route, many marriages will be stronger and many spouses will be better people.

To conclude, Johnny eventually got his act together, and asked June to marry him the 40th time before she said yes, they were married for 35 years and apparently this was about Johnny’s real life story.

 

Do let me know your thoughts as always, I’ve missed you all.

Bukky Apampa is a wife, a mother, a daughter and a sister :-) She loves God and loves to write, I am particularly passionate about relationships and I can be quite opinionated but always interested in other people’s views, I actually enjoy reading and listening to other’s views as it often challenges me that sometimes in this world, life is not always black and white, there are many shades of grey.

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Definitely A Happy New Year

 

 

Hello blogville,

It’s been a while, I’ve had a little visitor, the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen visited me on the 30-December-2012, she made sure she got in just before the year ends, I truly thank God for the journey and the beautiful gift, so wishing everyone a very a HAPPY NEW YEAR! I know it’s a little late but I’m told so long it’s still in January, it’s valid :-) I pray God’s best for you and your family this year, your best is yet to come!

Bukky Apampa is a wife, a mother, a daughter and a sister :-) She loves God and loves to write, I am particularly passionate about relationships and I can be quite opinionated but always interested in other people’s views, I actually enjoy reading and listening to other’s views as it often challenges me that sometimes in this world, life is not always black and white, there are many shades of grey.

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Avoid it at all cost?

Hello blogville,

It’s been a while, between battling a nasty cold and getting me head round this cold snap, I went into hibernation for a little while.  Trust you’re all doing well and for those in cold regions that you’re coping well.

My post this week is a little controversial as I’m learning that there are differing opinions, it started off as I listened to a preacher talk about marriage, now I’m usually weary of listening to these messages or books on marriages as I’ve often found that most preachers and authors talk from their own personal experiences and then give a fit for all advice which is often not effective, I believe marriages like individuals have its own personality and what works for one couple won’t necessarily work for others.   Saying that, I agree that there are general tips that can help a marriage work smoother or any relationship at that.

So back to my preacher, just before I tuned off, I listened to his 1st point about communication, I thought fair enough, some truths in that, then 2nd point was something about sex, it was the 3rd point that stopped me in my tracks, it was “Avoid conflict at all cost”, for a minute I thought I misheard so I paid a bit more attention and the preacher fleshed out his point more, he talked about how conflict relates to wounds and even after the conflict, the scars remain, in my mind I started to think, this preacher is mixing up conflict with fighting.  Later, I checked the dictionary for the definition of conflict, there are several but I want to use this one which I’ve always thought is what conflict is “a state of opposition between ideas, interests, etc.; disagreement or controversy” , then I checked the definition of fighting and it is “To attempt to harm or gain power over an adversary by blows or with weapons(note: this could be physical or psychological weapons)”.  This preacher has now caused a conflict in my mind :-)!

This issue comes close to home for me because of 2 marriages that sticks out in my mind, one couple I know were always disagreeing, I remembered discussing with another friend as they came close to their wedding whether they should be getting married because every time I see them, they seem to have one gripe or the other with each other, however 6 years on, they seemed to have settled well with one another and being around them these days, you could actually see that they’re closer than ever, it seems to me that through the frequent conflicts, they’ve managed to work out their differences.

The other couple are always sweet on each other, I’ve never ever seen them disagree on anything before so it was with much surprise when I heard they were going their separate ways after a few years.

While I’m not advocating that the first couple were right with their frequent public outburst, I have to say I appreciated the fact that they were not hiding their issues, they discussed them, sometimes they range from silly things as the route they take to church to more serious issues.

I personally believe that conflict is essential to all relationships not just marriage, sometimes in the place of conflict, you get to discuss issues that you have not been able to bring up at other times.  Now I want to really distinguish between conflict and fighting here, as the definition above states, conflict is when we disagree in ideas e.t.c, in other words we’re not seeing things from the same point of view, it is inevitable that this will happen in relationships except for relationships where people are not true to themselves or the relationship, fighting on the other hand is the attempt to undermine the other person in a relationship and to get ones way which is what often harms a relationship and even the people in it.  Contrary to popular beliefs, conflict should actually bring a relationship closer and make it better rather than it leading to fighting.

Avoiding conflict is not a solution as to how a conflict is handled.  If anything I felt the preacher should be saying “do not avoid conflict”, doing so is like covering a fresh wound without administering any treatment, sooner or later, the wound will start to fester and stink, if one is not careful and the wound is not attended to, one may soon lose that part of the body.  When a couple avoids conflicts in their marriage, they’re risking losing that marriage.  Instead find a conflict resolution that works for you, have a few rules such as being respectful, choosing your words carefully, listen attentively to the other person and do not disregard their hurt no matter how flimsy it may sound to you, apologise.  If when you sit down to resolve a conflict, you find things escalating to a fight, be disciplined enough to stop and get back to the issue later, always watch out for a conflict resulting into a fight.  If after a conflict resolution discussion, you cannot kiss and make up, that issue is not resolved.

Possibly this is what the bible means when it says “Be angry but do not sin” , naturally having the closest person disagreeing with you especially on issues that you hold close to heart can hurt but giving them the respect that just as you have your opinion, they’re entitled to theirs should be a starting point to reaching a compromise, I interpret being angry in that scripture as conflict and sin as fighting.

As always I don’t want to make the post too long so I’ll leave it here, please let me know your thoughts whether you agree or not, I’d really like to know.  Thank you.

Bukky Apampa is a wife, a mother, a daughter and a sister :-) She loves God and loves to write, I am particularly passionate about relationships and I can be quite opinionated but always interested in other people’s views, I actually enjoy reading and listening to other’s views as it often challenges me that sometimes in this world, life is not always black and white, there are many shades of grey.

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