This is something I’ve mused upon for a long time and have several conversations with my girlfriends about. While women’s rights have come a long way, at least in most civilised society, there’s this discomfort that the world is still not an entirely fair ground for women.
Whether we like it or not we’d always have to compromise actually not compromise, because compromise means you’re given an alternative choice, the word is “sacrifice”, we still have to sacrifice some parts of our lives to have what we’re supposed to naturally want; a family (children).
While we’re brought up believing we can be whatever we want that we can compete in the race with the best of the best, however, there comes a time when one has to either slow down in the race or put the race on hold completely to be a “natural woman”, in that time, male colleagues or female colleagues who choose to remain in the race will carry on and no matter how hard one tries to catch up, the lost times will never be made up. This is not a scathing attack on male colleagues or female colleagues who remained in the race, after all it’s not their fault that you choose to be a “natural woman”, that is entirely your decision and should be happy to bear the consequences, it’s only fair. It’s also not an attack on why this is different for men and women, I mean even if the campaign is for equality between men and women in the race, only a woman is required to bow out of the race, for example, if a spouse offers to be the one who bows out of the race, he’s not equipped to feed an infant or to have that natural instinct needed for the tiny ones to survive those first few months so again, whether a woman likes it or not, she has to follow through on her decision.
Speaking to a colleague who was getting married, she was 30 at time, I asked her if they’ll be starting a family right away bearing in mind her age, she looked at me like I’ve just mentioned the most ridiculous thing, so I quickly thought maybe they didn’t want any children but she was kind enough to save me from myself seeing the panic look on my face as I felt that I’ve asked a question that I shouldn’t have. She explained that she has her eyes on a particular role in the department and she had a 5 year strategy to get to that role, afterwards, she will work in the role for 2 years, then she’ll start plans to have children, if she starts having children right after her marriage, she will miss this target completely, as she talked, I made quick calculations, this means she will be 37 years old before she plans to have children, let’s say she gets pregnant as soon as she’s ready, mind you, as women we’ve been told that the older we are, the less chance of getting pregnant easily, but let’s say she does get pregnant right away, she’ll have her first child at 38, my mind racing ahead, I thought when she’s 50, her child will be 12, 60, child will be 22, 70, child will 32, say the child goes the same route as mum, I concluded that my colleague may never meet her grandchildren, I mean the average life expectancy for women even in Europe is around 74. Even then, when she does decide to start a family, she will still have to bow out of the race in which time, others will catch up.
I remember meeting my great grandparents and I still have a living grandparent who is a great granny to mine and my sibling’s children. For some reason, this bothered me greatly that my generation of women may not have this privilege and goes to confirm that maybe we as women can’t have it all and we need to accept this very early on. Does that mean we should then not enter the race? Or do so with a different strategy, one that helps us to balance a home and work life effectively through acceptance that depending on our choices in life, in reality, expectations needs adjusting.
Having worked with many women who chose not to have a family, these women are definitely in the race with their male colleagues and holding down top posts, but what I’ve observed time after time is that despite their rise in position, these women never seemed satisfied, as one told me “there just always seems like something is missing”, some even envy those who have children down to some outright jealousy. Saying that I have met one or two who are genuinely content with not having children, (can I clarify that this does not make them unnatural,the choice to use the analogy about natural women wanting children is just to prove a point), in fact an ex-boss absolutely loathe children, she does all she can to keep away from them like going on holidays to places where she’d least have any encounter with them, I used to find it quite funny, mind you she is a good person and a very girly girl.
So what are we to do? Accept the sacrifice and be content? Refuse the sacrifice and run a risk of an unfulfilled life or regrets? Also if more and more women refuse to have children for the sake of their careers, do we run a risk of breeding ourselves out of existence? Humans I mean?, well that’s for another post. Have a great weekend y’all.
Bukky Apampa is a wife, a mother, a daughter and a sister 
She loves God and loves to write, I am particularly passionate about relationships and I can be quite opinionated but always interested in other people’s views, I actually enjoy reading and listening to other’s views as it often challenges me that sometimes in this world, life is not always black and white, there are many shades of grey.
Well I guess that’s why countries like Sweden started paying women a lot just to stay at home n have kids Le they realized they had more old people than young people. In Japan now the average women marry late thirties or early 40s.
Well I hope for the best that’s all. http://Www.secretlilies.blogspot.com
Thanks Ibifiri, I didn’t know that re: Sweden, so this is actually already posing a real threat to the population.
hmm an interesting topic…i wrote something along this lines here- http://www.superworkingmum.com/work-family-balance.html (will love to get ur comment on my website if u dont mind)
Ok so back to your post-
i think for every woman the word “all” will mean different things…
All may mean-
being a SAHM
having a job and children but taking it easy on career
having a business and at the same time taking care of their family
facing career, no marriage and/ or no children
whatever a woman’s all means- she should make sure she is happy with it, if she isnt then she should make a plan for change.
men and women are different, our purpose in life are different…yes women choose to work and all but we also need to begin to embrace our womanhood in light of all.
so FOR ME i think i can have it all but maybe not at the same time. When i was single, i was all career minded but now that i am married with a child my priorities have changed and i am totally ok with that. totally.
right now I am my journey to achieving my “all”- which is owning my own business and taking care of my family…this 9-5 rat race is DULLING ME..thats another story for another day
hmm, I love your take on this but I must say you may be in the minority, what I’m seeing is the pressure that many women come under especially in this society, the pressure to succeed in your career but at the same be a supermum/wife, the pressure can be so immense that some end up giving up one for the other. Thanks for your comment… now on to super working mum
oh! i am sure i am in the minority that is why i said women need to start embracing their womanhood and true purpose…
if we do then what we have may actually be enough…
it is a controversial topic and each woman has to decide what is priority in her life…something has to give.
Having a successful career and a family at the SAME TIME will be hard so i admire women who can achieve it..
P.S – my definition of being a super mum is different from the conventional definition and i hope i will be able to bring more women to my definition…tough but possible
An interesting post. Glad you tagged me on twitter to read. I will have to say women can have it all but like all things in life it will come with a price. Also what exactly do we mean when we say ‘have it all’? For me fulfillment is key… Its not necessarily having that super job or playing super mom. So long as I’m happy doing what I want to do then I have it all.
Thank you Lara, the statement seem simple but quite deep the more I think about it especially “Its not necessarily having that super job or playing super mom. So long as I’m happy doing what I want to do then I have it all.”
Sweet Mama Africa just wrote nearly the exact same post a week or so ago so i’ll just copy/paste my response lol:
I think its quite possible [to have it all] and one of the biggest keys to that success would be having a supportive husband. Someone who not only will support your life/career goals but will also be a helper in running the household and raising the children (as he very well should). But if you marry the likes of those men that think anything that has to do with cooking, cleaning and child-rearing is woman’s work…you’re in trouble lol.
I’d also like to add, just like aloted stated, having it all means different things to different people. I have no interest in having children and doubt that that’ll actually change without something major being the catalyst. So to me having it all, at least at current, means being happy, having a job i enjoy and a home life i enjoy in whatever form that happens to come whether it be spinsterhood or a happy marriage.
Thanks Ngo, I always appreciate your candid response!
Because I agree a lot with Aloted, I read her SWM post first before this comment, and again, she nailed it! ALL is relative, don’t compare, be content, and relearn your attitude so you can be happy with what and where you find yourself. Michelle Obama had a top paying job before, now she is a SAHM as the FLOTUS for about 8 years. Same with Hilary Clinton who took time off when she was first lady and later ran for president, now a SOS. It is different for everybody, some women have it all (happy and content) as SAHM, no career and they don’t want one. Some make partner at a big time lawfirm or CEO at a fortune500 either at 35 or at 65, it is all for them at different times. I could go on, but you get the idea. We are all different, and so are our decisions and options in life.
Thank you Myne, that is becoming the apparent response to this post that “ALL is relative, don’t compare, be content, and relearn your attitude so you can be happy with what and where you find yourself”
Just curious, I’d imagine that Mrs Obama has had to put her own dreams on hold to support POTUS or that H.Clinton’s had to take a backseat in those times that B.Clinton was president… still doesn’t mean they weren’t happy with it I presume. Always appreciate your input.
This is a topic that’s very dear to my heart. I’v always been a career person. Put in extra hours, mEet all deliverables, get promoted as at when due etc, then I got married in feb, wanted to change jobs so I put off starting a family, changed in july and was thinking, hey I’ll get confirmed in dec so I’ll run baby in 2013, then another irresistable offer came in august so I changed jobs once again, moved the goal post to march. My hubs is very supportive tho, his take was always whenever you are ready. Recently, something happened that made me realize maybe I was being selfish. So I decided what d heck, let’s just try and viola I get pregnant the first month and all I could think about is how do I balance it all, how do I perform at this new job? What if I have morning sickness or preg blues and I become sub optimal at work, etc but in a space of one month, its all changed, all I think about now is my baby I love my baby so so much although it’s just 3 wks, I feel I’m gonna want to quit when its here.
oh wow, congratulations doll! And thank you so much for your honesty, I went through very similar experience and the turmoil that I put myself through was unreal but you know what, in the end, it works out, for me, my baby became my priority and all commitments about career paled in comparison, however as time went on, I knew deep down that I enjoyed my career too, so I tried to find a balance with great support from hubby, also with the realisation and acceptance that my priorities have now changed and my family comes tops, so if career progression slows down for now, so be it, the time will come when one will catch up if that’s what you want. I wish you all the very best, do enjoy yourself, as NIL said, work will always be there.
Great post
My only comment is that ‘all’ is relative
I work from home most times because I want to be available for the kids.
When my kids were 9, 6 and 4, I was flattered to be invited to interview for a position that involved travelling once a month within Europe. I declined because I wanted to oversee my kids’ needs. Do I regret not taking that job? Not at all – because work will always be there. However, my boys’ childhood is fleeting
Thank you NIL, I’ve come to look forward to your responses. I’m slowly coming round to that knowledge that ” all is relative”, our priorities are self defining and will change with the different seasons of our lives I’m starting to think, so there’s a time for everything.
I agree with Aloted and Myne.
All is a relative word and each woman has to define what she wants and be willing to make whatever sacrifices she needs to make to achieve her goals.
We need to give other women the courtesy of respecting their right to choose differently from us. What makes me feel like my way is better than someone else’s? This is what I ask myself wgen I am tempted to point out why others are “wrong”.
To answer your question, yes, I can have it all. My all may just not be the same as the other woman’s.
Great post Bukky
hmmm, I love your simple but candid take on this and believe it or not, it has helped me to resolve several conflicts in my mind, what hit the nail on the head is “We need to give other women the courtesy of respecting their right to choose differently from us”. love that! Thank you Gbemi.
I’m not married so take my comment with a pinch of salt. However, I’m the first child in the family of three kids and I’m also expected to do certain things. The evil word here is “expectation.” Dang you expectation!
After several campaigns about the expectations of a lovely/natural/godly woman, we subconsciously begin to want to live up to certain expectations. Here, societal norms kick in with magazine covers of “powerful” ladies and what not. Then you strengthen your resolve to be a powerful lady.
Then you encounter instability at home or work, threatening your newly-found resolve. So you blow it by accusing everyone of putting so much on you. Then they retort back saying “but you’ve been doing it for so long…everyone has ascribed that duty to you.” You’re like when? Everyone says we see you take on the role all the time! Why are you complaining now?
Why this long essay? Lmao all we need in life is a balance of both worlds o. Women are unique; We LOVE to wear many hats. Sometimes we know when we need a break. Other times we’re broken by these demands so we can take a break. We are different but we shouldn’t neglect other frameworks of support. What is the baale of the house doing to support wifey?
In a nutshell, ur decision to have it all should be based on your personal expectation for yourself (for the most part) and communicate this with baale, especially before the babies start popping out! Don’t look at Uche’s face ooo! Lol
Take your comment with a pinch of salt ke? iro o, in fact I read it with much attention and I love your take on things, basically, assess your situation at all time and take decisions based on that so make adjustments as you go along. Thanks girl!
Aloted just speaks my mind.
Decide what fulfilment and satisfaction means to you and pursue it irrespective of what you feel society expects of you.
If that means pursuing a career, by all means go for it. If that means taking it slow career wise for a while for the sake of family, by all means, do so. If that means concentrationg on family alone, feel free.
Bottom line is, decide for yourself and accept whatever challenge of sacrifice you would need to deal with as a result of your descision.
Thank you Jhazmyn, I always like your take on things, very practical, I particularly like this “Decide what fulfilment and satisfaction means to you and pursue it irrespective of what you feel society expects of you” so again it’s about realisation and acceptance.
This is an interesting post because it has been the subject of debates for decades. I deliberately decided not to read previous comments before responding so that I share my views without being influenced by others, lol. So much has been said about women/breaking the glass ceiling/career vs SAHM, and all, but I want to say that nobody should force their convictions on others and life is such a personal journey in the sense that, your decisions on certain issues are yours, and yours alone to make. Every woman should opt for what works for them. My own personal belief is that, if you want a top, high flying career as a woman, your family will suffer and vice versa- something has to give. As human beings first of all, and women specifically, life is in seasons and for every season of life that we find ourselves, we should make the most of it and appreciate it. Also, we should learn contentment. If we are contented with out status per time, we will not desire the other woman’s position or achievements because success/achievements are so relative. I have always had jobs that gave me flexi-time because, I do not want my kids to be brought up/trained by others. Fine, I have maids, but I closely supervise. Presently, I work with my hubby in our own company which we are building for posterity and my time is my own and I do not ever long to be a Bank MD or some other high profile position, and at the same time, I do not condemn the women who are in high profile careers with no time of their own for the family -our paths in life are different. So, I echo the popular truism, ‘to thine own self be true.’ Find out what God wants and what works for you in your peculiar situation, and without apologies, roll with it. Rather a long post, lol. Loved the write up. Well done.
Some very wise nuggets here I want to highlight, pretty much the conclusions I’m drawing from everyone’s comments ” I want to say that nobody should force their convictions on others and life is such a personal journey in the sense that, your decisions on certain issues are yours, and yours alone to make”
“life is in seasons and for every season of life that we find ourselves, we should make the most of it and appreciate it.”
“e should learn contentment. If we are contented with out status per time, we will not desire the other woman’s position or achievements because success/achievements are so relative”
Why haven’t I heard of your blog before? I’m off to fill up on it, looking forward to learning more! Thanks for your comments.
First, thanks for the lovely comment on my blog *huge grin* Apparently, ayam a clown.
Second, i don’t understand why i don’t get your updates anymore. I was wondering for a long time why you weren’t updating not knowing i was carrying LASTMA card. Sha sha, i have a lot of reading up to do.
Back to the issue at hand, i totally agree with Aloted. Not everyone wants to be the GMD or CEO of this and that. Define you and go with what makes you content and fulfilled.
P.S: Missed reading from you
aaw, thanks dear, it’s great to have you back, me missed you too! and thanks for your take on this, I think what I’m hearing more and more is find what works for you and be happy with it, only not many people can stand against this societal pressures sha. God help us women.
My take on this is whatever works for you as a woman is good. Different strokes for different folks. Fulfillment is the key word. I won’t advocate that anyone forsake the home front for a career. It aint worth it.
Do you know that this your analogy of what age some women will see their grandchildren is true and a big worry oh. I pray I see my grandchildren oh.
I say Amen Sykik and me too o. Thanks for your comment
Thanks for tagging me. I love the topic and sincerely speaking, I have battling with the answer for days. “Can a woman have it all”….for me, I think it’s a really hard thing to do though we are naturally good at multi tasking. But the society we live in is so complex and the patriarchal system does not make it any better.
I love my job as a mom, which I would not trade for anything and I also love my Public Health job but I am not in a hurry to get to the top…..because I believe I will get there someday.
Investing in my family is something that I will always benefit from in years to come and I can see it already in my children’s eyes.
Happiness is key, contentment is also important. A woman can have it all but in this society, a lot of sacrifices must be made.
Thank you Jayne for your candid response, I especially like “Happiness is key, contentment is also important. A woman can have it all but in this society, a lot of sacrifices must be made”. That is the honest truth isn’t it? A woman’s life is one of sacrifice. Thanks again.
I know someone very dear to me who sacrificed a career to be there for her children and after they stopped being largely dependent on her and as they grew up, she felt kind of lost and wondered what to do with herself after dedicating all her life to raising kids. And we also know about some high flying career mums who look back and wish they had had more time for their kids.
Honestly I think the answer is you can’t have it all at the sametime and that at different times in your life you will be more fulfilled about certain things more than other.
Just my opinion
Thanks Lagosmums for your comment, that’s the thing isn’t it, something always has to give one way or the other.
My darling friend,
I have this conversation everyday of my precious life with friends and family. From the response up there, you will also know that this is a very important albeit contentious topic. I don’t necessarily think that its got anything to do with societal expectation but more of a realisation of our role as parents when the children come along.
You perhaps know a bit of my story. I had my life planned out whilst growing up, when I started my PhD years ago before having my first daughter, I planned I would finish it, get a better job, work for a few years then start having babies. God laughed at this plan, I fell pregnant a few month into this plan. I cried and cried, because I knew my plan had failed somehow. I remember, my friends telling me that my ambition will have to slow down now, I disagreed, told them I would leave the baby as soon as she was 7 months complete my PhD and continue with my well laid plan. God laughed even louder.
Long story short, I left my baby when she was 7 months old went back to my Job and PhD (in Dublin then) but few months down the line I realised I didn’t want a childminder or nursery raising my child for me. I moved back, started working from home, started a business e.t.c
It is a long story so I won’t go through the full details but I have now realised that it is very difficult to raise a well balanced child with a well paid, high flying city Job especially if your hubby is in the same boat.
I have also met a lot of women who had fantastic careers but have now taken a back seat to raise their children in their formative years not because they wanted to at first but because they saw the benefit of it.
Whilst I don’t want to be judgemental in anyway. I have a strong believe that if you can’t slow down your career for your child or children then by all means do the career thing until when you are ready. Children needs at least one parent who is well equipped to be there for them. They don’t need parents who they only see at the weekends and even then they are so tired that their nanny is more of a parent than their own flesh and blood.
Having it all to me is not relative in anyway. You are either there for your children or not. It is as simple as that. Career has to take a back seat whilst children are growing up. I am not saying give up your job, but I am saying there is absolutely no way anyone can have a job that requires leaving the house at 7am and coming back at 8pm and tell me it all about balance (YOU HAVE TO TONE IT DOWN!!!). How can you even begin to understand what your children are going through when you don’t even have time to relax yourself!!!!
How many times have I had to have discussions with my friends that are so busy at work they don’t even know who their children’s class teachers are?
How many times have I seen children walking about aimlessly because a nanny or minder was late in picking up the children from the bus stop (most times the parent don’t even know). How many times have I seen parents put a 4 years old child on a school bus because they have to get to work long before school opens. The list is endless.
Like I said above there is absolutely no way that career (and in most cases it is the women that suffers) will not have to take a back seat in order to raise a well balanced, well cared for child. Except of course if we are fooling ourselves……
One thing has to suffer but not for long otherwise you’d find that you have lost these children and then you will use that money you were chasing after to sort them out afterall and then it might be too late!!!!
Please don’t bite my head off o!!!
Sis, bite your head off ke, you echo what my post is all about and even with practical examples, these are things I have mused on and on, it just seems inevitable that one has to give to the other, that is the reality I’m slowly coming into. Thank you for the very honest comment. much appreciated.
I stumbled with this video the other day http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TU1isJvsTCw
And I can say I almost totally agree with her, I’m too late for it… I’m not young anymore… but if I could be back in time I would do that…
when I saw the video I remembered this post hehe
anyway even if a women decides to have only a family and not go to work at the time, I don’t think she is less important than a working women…. if a women really cares about giving her time to the society she can volunteer or teach her skills even if is for free, why everything need to be money?
well anyway it’s not gonna change any soon.. we need to do what we think is the best ^^ ( I became to preachy lol )