Hold each other accountable
*Big sigh*, how long has it been? too long if you ask me, while I’ve been taking a sneak at all your blogs when my madam allows, I’ve not had a chance to update mine, thank God for children, it’s still amazes me how something so little can take over one’s life, I’m loving it all but I’ve missed blogville, trust you’re all good. Please enjoy my latest and let me know your thoughts, I love reading them.
I couldn’t sleep tonight and while channel surfing, I stumbled on a film about a guy called Johnny Cash, I’ve never heard of the guy before but it turns out that he was a rock and roll star in the 50s, he was in the Beatles league in his time and some of his records even sold more than the Beatles. Anyway what I really want to touch on was Johnny’s relationships, as a rock and roll artist, he had his problems with drinking, drugs and girls, his wife however was portrayed as one of those women who turned a blind eye to his vices, when some came close to home for her, she threw tantrums, smashed things up around the house and finally took their children and left him.
There is a girl in Johnny’s band called June Carter, throughout the film, they showed that Johnny had fallen in love with the girl but the girl was having none of it, she constantly reminded him that he’s a married man, the more the girl refuses Johnny, the more he went after her. The other thing June did was that she never let up on Johnny, whenever Johnny got high on drugs, she would give him marching orders even letting him know she will not talk to him, this made Johnny want to kick his bad habit, when he tries, June will be there to support him as a friend, when he goes back to taking drugs, June will immediately cut him out.
Why am I telling this story, something touched me in the different ways that June and Johnny’s wife treated him, while Johnny’s wife spent her time throwing tantrums and crying all over the place or sometimes even pretending that she’s not aware of Johnny’s bad habit, June called him on it, she made it clear that she’ll have nothing to do with him until he sorts himself out, so it was no surprise that Johnny fell madly in love with this strong woman rather than the weak tantrum throwing wife.
In many marriages, many spouses are like Johnny’s wife especially women, some husbands decides to start acting up and instead of the wife taking a strong stance and asking them to fix up, she’ll rather start crying all over the place and throwing tantrums or starts calling up her friends and family telling them how upset or hurt she is. I think in relationships, men and women are responsible for one another and if one spouse wants to start acting up, it’s the other spouse’s responsibility to point it out to them and let them know you will not tolerate it, as humans, we are primarily selfish, most times we want to eat our cake and have it, what keeps some people on the straight and narrow is that their craziness will not be accepted by their loved ones or sometimes the law.
Growing up, there were many times I just didn’t want to live according to my parents rules and wanted to do my own thing but the thought of the consequences of my actions tends to keep me controlled, I’m sure this is the case for many, so why is it that in relationships, spouses bad behavior no longer carry any consequences.
I remember years ago, I went to visit an aunt, I met her in a bad state as she had been crying, I learn that her husband whom we know to love partying now does so every weekend, he leaves the house every Friday and comes back on Sunday, this is a man who works from Monday to Friday and had 3 young children, that particular Sunday one of their children was unwell and when my aunt called his phone a woman picked it up, she said she asked the woman if she was aware that the man she’s with is married, the woman told her (my aunt) that is her problem not hers. To say I was irritated with my aunt is an understatement, I couldn’t comprehend this woman that has now become an emotional wreck because of a badly behaving husband, I was not even angry at her husband as she told me this is something he’d always done, at the time I think they had been married for like 4 years or so. My aunt is one of those sharp mouthed woman o, I’ve seen her in situations with other people where she will take no nonsense, why a man is now treating her like this I didn’t understand. I consoled her best I can and left.
To cut a long story short, some months down the line, I don’t know if someone spoke to my aunt or something, what I know is my mother got a phone call from aunt’s husband one evening asking her to beg my aunt on his behalf as he’s standing outside his house with his belongings and my aunt has changed all the locks to the house, the story was that he started off with threats of breaking down the door to saying he’ll leave and never come back again, she told him that’s fine by her since he’s not been a husband anyway and his absence will hardly be missed, so it was surprising that now he’s calling relatives to beg. Long and short of it, the partying stopped and 16 years down the line, they’re still going strong.
This true life example further garnishes my point that couples should not put up with bad behaviors, Johnny Cash’s wife put up with his bad behavior for so long and then one day her “give a damn” broke, she packed her children and left, I wondered if she had held him accountable like June Carter did, their story would have been different. I’ve seen a few real life experiences like this where a woman will continue to put up until they give up one day and don’t care anymore, at this point, there really is no redeeming that marriage cos you find such women are so bitter and resentful that all doors for reconciliation is now shut.
I wish many more men and women including myself will be like June Carter and call their spouses out on every bad behavior.
My examples have been about women putting up with their mens bad behavior so let me balance it out by saying there are many women also with bad behaviors that men put up with, I once had to listen to a young woman lament on how her husband will not let her go clubbing with her single friends anymore now that they are married, on one occasion, she told her husband she’s going out clubbing whether he likes it or not, he told her, that is fine, just make sure you take anything essential with you, I will ship the rest of your stuff to your parents! She spent the night crying and throwing tantrums, if I knew the husband, I’d give him a high five. The whole thing could have turned out to be a fight and turned nasty, instead he simply called her out on a behavior that he deemed unacceptable. In my early years of marriage, there were some demands I made of my hubby who gently told me no, I sulked and sulked but he did not budge, when I think back to those demands, I ask myself what on earth was I thinking Hubby could have accepted my unreasonable demands, then get bitter and resentful, instead he called me on it, I went through the motions and I’m a better woman for it.
I truly believe if more of us hold each other accountable of many bad habits such as selfishness, reckless spending, disrespect e.t.c rather than putting up with it and than going the resentment route, many marriages will be stronger and many spouses will be better people.
To conclude, Johnny eventually got his act together, and asked June to marry him the 40th time before she said yes, they were married for 35 years and apparently this was about Johnny’s real life story.
Do let me know your thoughts as always, I’ve missed you all.