I was listening to a show the other morning and the presenter said there’s an article going around in Australia where a Catholic priest is asking women to lower their standards if they’re going to find a husband. Apparently there is a man drought in Australia, there are only 86,000 eligible bachelors in the country and the rate of marriage has dropped dramatically. Listening to this, I wondered if these situation is applicable here in the UK or even in Nigeria because I know a few single ladies, these are drop dead gorgeous women who are high achievers, they hold down very good jobs that allows them comfortable lifestyles. Two of the people on the show agreed with the priest and one didn’t, so I started to ask myself if I agreed or not.
I couldn’t quite make up my mind as I questioned what it means to lower one’s standard. What standards should we even have in the first place as a woman? A man with a job? His own home? Educated, if so how educated, degree, masters, PhD? A tall handsome man? From a good family? e.t.c, the more I thought about it, the more I realised that it’s not as easy as it sounds.
I remember having a conversation with a friend of mine, she was telling me about a guy she went on a date with and she listed all the things she had issues with, I then told her that I think she’s been too picky, her response to me was that didn’t I make sure that my hubby was of my standard before I agreed to marry him, her response stopped me dead in my tracks as I pondered on it, the honest truth is maybe I did have a standard but I was never conscious of it. I don’t want to confuse standard with needs now especially for those who have read my “Is he the one” post.
How does a woman lower her standard? A comedian once joked that when a woman is between the ages of 20-24, she makes a list of what her man has to have, good looks, a job, moved out of his mama’s house, has no baby mama drama ,at least educated to degree level, own a car, not in any major debt, not into porn, ain’t crazy e.t.c, by the time she’s 25-30, the list goes , he must have a job, moved out of mama’s house, has no baby mama drama, not in major debt, not into porn, ain’t crazy, then when she’s between 30-35, the list is tweaked to he doesn’t need to have a job, I have a good one to feed us both, he can move into my home, has no baby mama drama, not in major debt, not into porn, ain’t crazy, then when she’s over 35, the list is dramatically cut down to as long as he ain’t crazy, it’s all good 
. I just wondered how true this is, do women drop their standards as they get older and realised that the pickings are becoming slimmer, for example, men of similar age, say between 25 and 35 will be looking to date younger girls and not girls their age which leaves women in that age gap with men who are either already married, divorced, much older or just not marriage material.
Then I thought about some of my friends who have spent their lives studying and working hard to climb up their career ladder and are pretty successful, will I ask them to go for a guy with no job or no prospect of getting one, who has no home of his own (ok, I know guys who chose to rent their homes rather than buy because they don’t want any debt), who’s divorced with children e.t.c, I don’t think that I would give such advice cos it doesn’t seem fair to me and if I was in their shoes, I’m not sure that I’d compromise so far.
So is it an age thing? Do women come under this pressure to lower their standard because they’re getting older and regardless of the lives they’ve made for themselves, they should settle for a man below the standards they’d prefer?
Or is the solution to put marriage ahead of career building? For example if a girls gets married between the ages of 20-24, according to the comedian, she most likely will be with a man that ticks all her boxes but she may not be on top of her career yet.
A girl I went to college with got married pretty early and by the time the rest of us had finished university, she’d had 3 children, I remembered feeling sorry for her wondering what kind of a life she must have, I must admit, I feel ignorant now for thinking like that because I’ve since met very successful women who crave having a family that they’d trade in their jobs and status in a second. Another friend who is a top manager at a blue chip company once asked me “if she’d made a mistake choosing a career over settling down with a family”, she’s in her late 30s now, when she was in her 20s, there was a guy who wanted to marry her but she refused because she wanted to get somewhere in her career before getting tied down with family and now she seems to have this regret.
I really don’t have any conclusion for this question, I’m still musing over it myself but look out for my post titled “Can women really have it all?”
What are your thoughts?
Bukky Apampa is a wife, a mother, a daughter and a sister She loves God and loves to write, I am particularly passionate about relationships and I can be quite opinionated but always interested in other people’s views, I actually enjoy reading and listening to other’s views as it often challenges me that sometimes in this world, life is not always black and white, there are many shades of grey.
Whats the point of having standards in the first place then if everyone’s going to tell you that you should basically saddle up with anyone who’s halfway decent and bothers to ask for your hand? Biko, i don’t have time for that kind of nonsense. If i’m going to get married (big if) its going to be to someone who is to the “standard” i want for myself. Why should i potentially be miserable for the rest of my life just for the sake of being Mrs Somebody? In that case i’d rather be alone.
hmmmmm, I hear you Ngo, thanks for your candid comment.
I dont mean to be controversial but I do feel women often lower their standards when they decide to marry.
The very act of marriage is agreeing to compromise a lot of your dreams and goals. Motherhood is an even greater act of compromise. Can a woman have it all? That question is a moving target because a woman’s definition of ‘all’ changes over time.
At 20, a woman’s ‘all’ might mean a good career;
At 30, that might mean kids and a career;
At 40, it might mean a career, kids and a stand in the community etc etc
Please take time to read: http://naijamuminlondon.blogspot.co.uk/2010/11/female-dream-reality-vs-fantasy.html
Have a great week
Thank you NIL, I read the post and you know it’s almost like you were looking into my head, these are things I’ve mused upon for a long time, I’ll post my take on that topic shortly.
Like this train of thought 9jamum..it does changes with time, since the world is dynamic and not static.
meant stationary o jare
I think with age, responsibility and seasons, our priorities changes.
I don’t know if that implies lowering standards sha. I read lowering standard to mean an act of desperation, it’s a case of if i can’t have “X” then i might as well go with/for “Y” after all both have got “V” in them.
However, i think no-one should settle for less
Thanks for stopping by Sykik and for your comment. I quite like that analogy.
First, let me say i have missed your posts…my lappy is still behaving funny and hubby is using his to do yanga for me!..ehehehehe.
Ok! now to the post of today…just like you i have no definite answer to this question or conclusion.
All i can say, every woman knows what she wants in her man, as long as no woman shoves her own standard down into another woman’s throat,!
Every woman NEED comfort and security which is the foundation of every relationship.
So, whatever a woman builds on the foundation is the issue…for example, i need a man that has a job……but what kind of job?..this is where the term WANT comes to play. I need a man that has his own apartment…but what kind of apartment?..here the term WANT comes up. I need an attractive man…. now what makes a man attractive? the issue of WANT plays it’s role.
The bottom line is that women should find men that complement them, for example, as a graduate, it is advisable to marry same….because there are some issues that will arise in future that might cause quarrel and there will be regrets.
hi Simplymee, good to hear from you! that lappy better sort itself out sharp sharp
finding men that complement them, that’s interesting, so would you say of the same standard then. Thanks for always stopping by.
Hmm, this is a tricky one. First of all, my take on this matter is that, it all depends on what those standards were in the first place. Some standards are based on pride, wrong values and outright foolishness, while others should never be compromised, no matter the pressure. We will of course set standards based on our values/principles for life, religious inclinations, personal experiences etc. For me, standards like: he must be Dangote or Richard Branson-rich, from a particular tribe, must be Harvard trained or its equivalent etc, should not be fixed because these do not determine the quality of one’s marital life in future. I have seen men who started out with nothing, end up with much and the women who dared to marry them, ended up celebrated. Without saying much, what would constitute standards for a committed, christian who takes her relationship with the Lord seriously, would be different with another woman who does not, and the list goes on. I daresay, each woman should carefully determine what standards are fixed/non-negotiable, and what standards are dynamic/negotiable.
Very true, thanks again for your insight.
Ah, i’m with Ivy on this one. There are some standards that are just outright silly. I have a friend who still has “tall” on her list. How is someone’s height going to make or mar your marriage? I mean, you see someone who is about 2 inches taller than you but is otherwise everything you want and you turn up your nose? I just don’t get it.
There are some standards that you however should never compromise on just because you want to get married else, a life of misery awaits. If you absolutely can’t stand it, a shinny wedding band isn’t going to automatically blind you from seeing it. #2cents
you never fail to make me laugh ” a shinny wedding band isn’t going to automatically blind you from seeing it.” Heehehehehe, thanks.