*Long post alert*, …. Like they’re not all long se 
ok, I’m going really controversial here and I tell you, I’ve had many discussions/arguement about this, in fact, one lady got so angry with me
I found myself having this conversation/argument with a group of people; I did not even know I felt so strongly about this issue till I was put in this situation.
The story was that two 19 year olds who had been dating since they were 17 decided to get married, they’re both Christians and believe they should not have sex before marriage, they have both managed to keep themselves this way in their 2 years of dating and now they are struggling to continue to do so, hence they want to get married as Paul admonished in the bible. To be clear, their sole reason to want to get married is not just to have sex, they have dated for a while and decided they want to spend the rest of their lives together.
They informed their parents and as expected, the parents kicked off saying no way, they are yet to finish school, get a job, get their own place e.t.c. Majority of the people agreed with the parents but I totally disagreed, not even because I wanted to be controversial as I can be sometimes . It’s because I genuinely don’t understand why the parents excuses should stop them from getting married, my question was, how will marriage stop them from doing all that their parents listed? I couldn’t get my head round how marriage will stop them from getting their degrees, getting a job or their own place?
Somebody said having children could stop them, I said they don’t have to have children, what with all the contraceptives that the world has come up with, I mean not being married can’t stop them from having children? I thought the only criteria for having children is having sex, if these two are not allowed to get married and they start having sex, they could have children anyway, how much better if that happened within a marriage albeit they don’t have to start having children especially if it would be an hinderance to them achieving their so called parents dream e.t.c.
Another person asked, how will they support themselves? are you saying once they get married their parents should stop supporting them? so it’s only if children remained unmarried are parents required to support them, so marriage has become the line post where parents should no longer support their kids, I had naively thought that this should only happen when the childen can stand on their own feet not when they get married. Now if the girl was to fall pregnant outside of marriage, will the parents stop supporting her?
Another question that came up was that at 19, how are they sure this is what they want? not only did I find this insulting to the couple but I think it also proves the dumbing down of the generations that comes behind mine or maybe it’s the pessimisitic view at which marriage is looked upon, to say a 19 year old cannot make an important decision like this is bizarre to me, I mean people are allowed to join the army at 16, they are taken to war by age 18, no, not during world war I or II, there are 18 year olds in Iraq and Afghanistan, what greater decision is this than a 19 year old deciding if they want to be married or not.
I questioned the view that we level at marriage sometimes, I remember back at college, one of the girls was getting married, it was such a hot topic at the time as rumours went round that maybe she was pregnant, maybe it was for papers e.t.c, someone said why would she want to go to prison so early? so marriage is now seen as prison. I partly blame this on married people who go around with stories of woes and doom, I mean a gentleman at my hubby’s church told us “not to do it” he meant not get married, we were both so shocked at the packed emotion at which he said it despite the fact he was married, I think people like this put out such bad views about marriage that the society now sees it as a doomed feat, funny enough yet many people want to get married. I’m not trivialising the hardwork that goes into marriage or that it can be challenging sometimes but like everything in life, you want it good, you work at it and I’ve seen many good marriages, also there are many other challenges in life that our children may go through whether we like it or not.
Anyway I digressed a little, don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying all 19 year olds should get married, God knows there are many 19 year olds who don’t know their left from their right, even so, I’ve met 40 year olds that I won’t leave a rat with let alone another human being but I choose to believe that there are some folks out there who are mature enough to make such decisions as marriage even at a young age, when I see elderly couple’s in their 80s and 90s still holding hands, I am sometimes brave enough to ask how long they have been married, many would say 60-65 years, that means even some of them got married as young as 16, is the society dumbing down our young ones by assuming they cannot make important or responsible decisions, I am of the opinion that if you want a child to grow up to be responsible, you’ve got to have an expectation of them that allows them to do just that.
As for Christian parents who bring their children up to avoid having sex before marriage then allow them to date at the age of 14, 15, 16,17, then ask them to wait till they are 25, 26 to get married, how realistic is it that they will wait 10 years or more before they start having sex, what did Solomon mean when he said ”Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires”, if you know you don’t want your children to get married in their late teens or early twenties, then don’t allow them to date in their early teens or teach them that they must wait for marriage to have sex, to do this and then tell them they cannot get married young should they choose to do so is simply unfair and what you will end up creating are children who will go ahead and have sex and then live in guilt.
Someone then asked me if I would have gotten married at 19? I said if I believed if I was with the right person, then yes, I personally don’t believe that my core person has changed from the person I was at 16, yes I’ve grown or so I’d like to think but is that because of age? No, I’d argue, but because of life experiences, if I was married at 19, would I be a different person now if my life experiences remained the same, I doubt it, to think of it, there are some things I’ve only learnt by being married not because of age, if I did not get married till my thirties, I still won’t know the things I refer to.
Guaranteed not many people will meet the person they want to marry in their teens and nor feel ready to but if there are people who do, I don’t see anything wrong with it. I’d really appreciate your thoughts on this, maybe I’m simplifying it too much eh… Thank you.
Bukky Apampa is a wife, a mother, a daughter and a sister She loves God and loves to write, I am particularly passionate about relationships and I can be quite opinionated but always interested in other people’s views, I actually enjoy reading and listening to other’s views as it often challenges me that sometimes in this world, life is not always black and white, there are many shades of grey.
*phew!* read the longggg post..ehehehe.
So to my own longgg comment #take a seat o#
Ok, i should stop fooling around.
I disagree with you on this topic.
Yes, i read all your reasons and the angle you are coming from…..in a nutshell ‘they should avoid sin by getting married, without necessarily having children’
hmm, let me try my best to explain from my own angle:
First, marriage is not all about sex, since they want to get married simply because of sex. By the time the excitement wan off and they find out they don’t have anything in common, or it is only when they have sex they can connect, what will then happen? The relationship will then become a burden, and will have a multiplying effect on them. Is it possible LUST is all behind the idea of getting married? When the LUST is satisfied, what happens next..DIVORCE? BUT We always say, a BROKEN RELATIONSHIP IS BETTER THAN A BROKEN MARRIAGE. There is more in a marriage than sex. If not, the divorce rate would have sky-rocketed. Marriage is NOT a piece of cake.
You said it is not necessary to have children..hmm, my sistah, the human mind is unpredictable o! Yes, they will say it now, but few years down the line nko? What of if they changed their mind…and oh! don’t forget about mistakes. It does happen. One night of hot passion sex throwing caution to the wind, since it is sex that matters to them and not love…then they will come out with their sob story, and people will begin to sympathize with them and foot the bill, which leads me to the third point…
WHO WILL FOOT ALL THE EXPENSES OF LIVING TOGETHER? Their parents who are also struggling to meet their needs in this economy recess? The rent, utility bills, feeding, university…yes, i know about the grants and food stamp….but are these enough?
Running a home takes it’s toil both on the finances and psychologic of humans…i can’t imagine feeding and clothing and paying bills for a married couple since they believe they are old enough to get married because of S-E-X!
I wonder, when they feel attracted to others, how can they handle it? They are still young and their hormones are raging…they will meet other attractive people, HOW WILL THEY HANDLE THE SITUATION?
I believe all married couples know that the frequency of sex reduces with time as the marriage gets older, because of stress of trying to meet their needs. So how will they handle that, when the infatuation runs out?
They are marrying for the simple fact of having SEX, but the bible says it is for companionship and procreation..GO YE INTO THE WORLD AND MULTIPLY…IT IS NOT GOOD FOR MAN TO BE ALONE…CAN TWO WALK TOGETHER EXCEPT THEY AGREE?…..the bible says FLEE FROM ALL FORMS OF TEMPTATION! Since they wish to keep ‘holy’ then they should avoid seeing themselves so much and learn to be in groups or have a chaperone….i don’t believe they have not romanced or caressed themselves or ‘make-out’ ….it is the ‘intercourse’ they are yet to have which gives them the illusion they are still ‘pure’….as long as they have seen each other form of nakedness, they are only deceiving themselves! The bible definition of a virgin is when NOBODY has seen a spouse nakedness talkless of touching it before their wedding night!
I am sorry for this long and blunt comment, but i want a spade to be called a spade to those young 19yrs old who don’t know nathing about marriage but simply thinking with what is btw their legs!
You want me to tell you the truth sistah?
I will prefer they have the sex and satisfy the lust and see how it goes from there than for them to end up having a broken marriage later in the years stating irreconcilable difference or incompatibility!
By the way, is it only FORNICATION that is a sin? We have kind of use this to draw a standard. The bible makes me to understand that WE HAVE ALL SINNED AND OUR RIGHTEOUSNESS IS LIKE A FILTHY RAG BEFORE HIM! WE WERE CONCEIVED AND BORE IN SINS THROUGH EVE, BUT BY THE BLOOD OF JESUS, HE HAS GIVEN US THE GRACE TO COME BOLDLY TO THE THRONE OF GRACE TO OBTAIN MERCY.
If they are true believers, then they should pray to GOD to give them the STRENGTH to overcome the TEMPTATION, rather for them to get marry. IF they eventually go their separate ways after satisfying the ‘thirst’ will they not sleep with other people in future? Abi, they will continue to marry and marry, until they find the ‘right’ person. Is that not ADULTERY again?
So you see sistah, they should NOT be encouraged in anyway! Rather be counseled, 19years is too immature emotionally to handle the affairs of marriage.
Thank you for another interesting post.
Hope you see my own angle.
Simply mee, thank you so much for the detailed response, I was looking forward to hearing from you. I think I mentioned somewhere in the post that they’re not getting married just because they want to have sex, they have dated for the last 2 years and they both believe they want to take it to the next level which is to get married. They have been counselled by other couples one of which got married at 19 themselves and have been for 25 years. Like I said not all 19 year olds will be mature enough to want to make such decision but where there is the exception, their decision should be respected, who knows, just like the couple who had been married for 25 years, they may celebrate their own 25 years too.
The man already has his own place and works, if they are not getting married, the parents will still pay for school fees so why is it that because they’re getting married, the parents won’t support them anymore?
They are certainly not your usual 19 year olds and I respect the fact they want to do things right. I think this is one of those things where opinions will differ but I see it from both side of the fence to be honest and I for one respect their decision.
really long post.
I would not say they are too young, but looking at it…are really emotionally ready to handle the responsibilities of marriage.
Once they get married, who will take care of them…will it still be their parent’s responsibility. Since they believe they are old enough to take a grownup decision, they should be ready for the responsibilities behind it.
Like Simply mee said, what happens when a child comes in, you never can be too careful with this, especially when you are married…
If they have thought this all out, are ready to foot their own bills and believe they are met to be…I say go ahead.
Thanks for taking the time to read the long post Lara, much appreciated. This is my thinking too that they should be aware of the responsibilities they are about to take on, once informed if they still want to go ahead, then they should, this is why they are getting counselled by an older couple who got married at their age. However, I don’t think the parents should stop supporting them, what I mean is not everyday support as in rent, food e.t.c, but for things like school tuition.e.t.c, if they are not getting married, the parents will pay their tuition, why stop because they are getting married especially since the parents fear is that they may not complete their degree, if they stop paying their tuition, then they’ll definitely not finish the degree.
With children, my arguement is whether they’re married or not, children could come into the relationship, I don’t think marriage is necessarily a pretext. Thanks again, I appreciate your comment.
Hmn, i kinda understand both positions and all but i just don’t feel comfortable with two 19year olds getting married. I know they might not be the usual 19yr olds with raging hormones but i’ll feel more comfortable if they give it a little more time.
hmmmm, I hear you, thanks for your comment Toin.
I agree with Bukky. I understand why people are apprehensive about 19yr olds getting married. But:
How is this different from teenagers getting part-time jobs in high school while juggling school and athletics? I know marriage mistakes are almost fatal, yea, it might be an unfair comparison, but when do people think is the right time?
At one point I had three part time jobs at age 19 in college (still in college) and it was stressful. I yearned for love and a vibrant social life but I was focused. I KNEW what I signed up: I sacrificed pleasure for academics. It’s all about sacrifices!
Marriage matures most people; it’s what they need and their spouses help them. Others have to be matured before saying “I do” The problem is the one-size-fits-all mentality that we have. Even parents know that children “get it” at different ages; spanking can only do so much.
So do we send our loved ones off in marriage and watch them suffer all in the name of independence? Have we forgotten that there are churches/counselors put in place for married couples, young or old, to help stir relationships back on the right path when the storm hits? Even Jesus Christ, our bridegroom, sent us the Holy Spirit as a comforter (after marrying us to Him) and He convicts our spirit when we go wrong. Why can’t we believers follow suit?
What we need to concerned about is how accessible/strong/helpful these support services aka WE the People are to couples. Look at our society: even the “matured couples” are struggling. It’s a shame that the society just waits for the opportunity for most people to slip so they can say “I said so.” That’s why most adults won’t even admit they have problems for fear of sneers from their so-called friends.
Apologies for the long reply, lol
Apologies for the long reply? no apologies needed at all, you buttress my points far beyond what I could do! Thank you so much. This is the main thing I’ve been saying, instead of making life difficult for these guys, what they need is support which I for one will be offering to them should it be needed but I doubt it, I very much believe they will have a blast or maybe it’s the optimist in me! Thank you Worship and Swag, mwah!
Bukky, wonderful discussion, I see no reason why a 19year old can’t marry , some of them are even more matured than some so called married folks. Using myself as an example life experiences made me to grow quickly that even older folks like 50 year old do tell me I am so matured. Coming from a divorced home made me to know how to pick life choices early in life and I really wished my parents allowed me to marry early enough, now the person I would have married then if they had allowed us , some 18yrs ago I am married to him now and we both wonder why our parents refused cos we were young , but folks no difference now, I believe marrying early in life is good. Spiritual implication of having sex before marriage is massive , of course my husband now is not my first date but we still came again to marry each other but he was my first love.
If parents can only think deep especially we the stains ones, is there anywhere in the bible that says 19yrs old must not marry , when I married my husband he was not a millionaire but we grew into riches together because we had the true love for each other. Having sex before marriage is so easy to preach but let’s be truthful how many people in church do practice it now, so instead of commenting fornication and they are 19 years old , parents should encourage then what marriage is all about , the responsibllities and bless them . I think it is splendid that way especially if both of them were Christians , and true to the word of God then why not it is the best .
wow, Ola, it’s so good to hear from someone who had been directly affected by this same issue and thank God that you got to marry that first love, imagine people who miss out and never got to marry the person whom they initially wanted and had to settle for whatever else comes along. Thanks again, much appreciated.
interesting write up.
i have come to realise in life that there is no one set way for everyone, if the 19 year old know and understand the responsibilities that come with marriage then yes they should be allowed to marry. and yes their parents should support them
but i shall be following your advice..i dont think i want my daughter getting married at 19 so she shall not be dating till um..umm..at least 21! yes! emi ni mo so be!
well done!
P.S- sent you a DM
Heehehehehe aloted, you made me laugh this early morning o,lol @ yes! emi ni mo so be!Personally I’d prefer 20s than teens too, the exception with these two is that the parents had allowed them to start dating from when they were like 16 or thereabout, my arguement is what were they expecting allowing them to date this early but then didn’t want a young marriage ehn. Someone told me they would expect their children to practice restrain, I asked the same person how long they waited, not even close, so I rest my case. They’ve already done well waiting for nearly 3 years without indulging in hanky panky, how many people waited that long… Thanks for your comment.
Lol, on this one, while I believe marriage is a thing of maturity, regardless of age, I do have an issue with having to fall back on your parents for major financial support after you’re married.
This is not an issue of right or wrong but one of preference (blame it on becoming very independent early in life i guess). So if I were a parent to these particular 19 year olds, I most definitely would ask them to wait, I still can’t shake off the feeling that their major reason for wanting to get married is a free pass to sex, and that really irks me, marriage is a whole more than that. If however they honsetly have more valid reasons, why not…But they would need to learn that deciding to become a man and wonan (bible say a MAN shall leave…and cleave), then the leaving part is something they should be ready for as well, in other words, I dont exepect to help my son who has become a husband and father to be with his financial responsibilities long after he has said I DO..
Thanks Jhazymn, I aprreciate your comments. I do believe they have a valid reason for wanting to get married, even if that reason is just for them and I also don’t believe that the parents should fuel every one of their bills, they are not expecting that as they both work, what they ask for is the continued assistance for their schooling which is what their parents fear they will not complete. Afterall if our children had settled down with family and fall on hard times, if we have the means to help them, I would like to think we would or maybe it’s just me
I’ve had many people quote this scripture of leaving and cleaving to me, I’d like to believe this is being translated literarily which is something you cannot do with the 95% of the scripture, I had understood this scripture as more of leaving and cleaving emotionally rather in all physical and practical aspect cos if this is so, then we’re not even suppossed to visit our families once married. Thanks again.
I’m with Toin on this one. I understand your reasons though but i’m just not comfortable with 19 year olds getting married.
Thanks Atoskin baby.. hope you don’t mind me adding the baby, I’ve just always imagined that’s what I’d call you if I met you in person, it goes with “Atoskin”…:-)
Atoskin baby is fine, I loooooove pet names!
Got here from Myne, read the post and I’m sorry I just don’t agree. You made valid points though about being drafted and sent to war at 18 etc etc but mehn…. this is marriage. I just don’t think young inexperienced people should come together under Holy Matrimony. Someone said on Myne that resentment may set in later and I agree. The girl may wake up one morning and realise she’s never really lived. The guy too may wake up feeling trapped one morning.
Let them enjoy their youth. They have the rest of their lives to have sex and live as man and wife.
Thanks for stopping by Mstizzle, it’s one of those things, however, not every young person is inexperienced. in terms of resentment setting in later,this can happen regardless of when a woman gets married I think, it’s always easier to blame someone, same way with feeling trapped, some people feel trapped in 6 month old marriages, I’m not sure that it’s the length of marriage that could cause this but the quality of the marriage. Thanks for your comments, much appreciated.
I feel there are far more important things for them to focus on jooh. A little patience to 22 would not. They shoud fa ra baale ohh. No rush in life. My 2 cents
Thanks Izzi, lol @ fa ra baale
They should not get married
Except in discretionary cases
They may not know what they want
The people who get divorced after 1-10 yrs
Do you think they got married planning to get
divorced?
Tell them to begin marriage counselling
but only marry when they have proved that
they are responsibility
One of the marks of responsibility is working a
job whether you feel like it or not, affording food
having a saving plan, starting a business etc
RESPONSIBILITY
i used to want to get married young…. and I would have done… 19 is ok for me. I know alot of youths in my church and are mature spiritually and mentally. Nothing is easy for both young and old. As long as they have their convictions, prayer and focus they can do it with help of the church and family and GOD. Like I said, my friend 19 a troublesome boy turned born again decided to get married it was a shock to most people because he was such a troublesome boy. He found love in JESUS and in his wife and the church encouraged them. It was lovely. 4yr+ still going strong..
It was never an issue to get married young before and it should not be esp if these people are in CHRIST… WHY: am sure they are thinking about the spiritual aspect..
xxx
Anyway what the difference does it make when they turn older? that they will change their minds???
Thanks Purplecious, you so get my point!